On the recommendation of dooce I went ahead a read through Spinner's 25 Most Exquisitely Sad Songs.
Happy weekend me.
So now here I am sitting and drinking a double whiskey alone running through our song collection and playing the saddest songs I can find. Some from the top 25. Johnny Cash covering Nine Inch Nails "Hurt" twice.
That's when I broke out the whiskey.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Meh
I go through phases these days and lately its been a down swing. When I hit a down swing its all I can do to actually get up and get through my day...let alone write about it.
I'm not sure where this is coming from. Usually it's stress of hormones or something concrete I can pin down and deal with then get over. This time its lasting. I haven't felt good in weeks. No energy. No desire to do anything. I get tired half way through the day and then I'm done. For good. Housework comes and goes in phases. I spent several days working on pieces of our bedroom and nothing else. Now I'm desperately trying to get the kitchen clean but it all seems so futile. I cook, I clean, I clean, I cook. It's a never ending circle of despair.
Don't even get going on the diet. That will put me over the edge and in to full blown tear phase.
The school project has been grinding me down. That's almost over, thank god. My adviser was so right to suggest I do this one class on its own after coming back from having a baby. It's killing me. Two more weeks. That's it. Two more weeks.
Maia was sick sick sick last week. Poor baby. Fever for four days, crankiness, then even worse a lethargy that left her folded over with her head on the floor, eyes open and staring, instead of playing with the toys in front of her. That's when I called the doctor for a second time and brought her in. The verdict? UTI. That's urinary tract infection for those lucky enough to never have had those words uttered at them. Of course there are complications to a bladder infection at this age. Physical immaturity of the urinary tract can lead to a "back flow" from the bladder to the kidneys and in case of infection, this can lead to kidney damage. Oy. So more tests for Maia. And a regular dose of antibiotics to maintain an infection-free urinary tract once the current infection has been thoroughly killed.
All this for a baby whose parents decry the over use of antibiotics and swore to take a "watch and see" approach with illness. See how things change in the thick of it. Of course, I understand that *possible* sensitivity to certain antibiotics in the future is a very small price to pay to avoid kidney damage. I'm simply pointing out the irony here.
I blame the formula for this infection. Another item on the long list of shot down "nevers".
I hope to feel pithy at some point again in the near future.
For the present, I don't expect much.
I'm not sure where this is coming from. Usually it's stress of hormones or something concrete I can pin down and deal with then get over. This time its lasting. I haven't felt good in weeks. No energy. No desire to do anything. I get tired half way through the day and then I'm done. For good. Housework comes and goes in phases. I spent several days working on pieces of our bedroom and nothing else. Now I'm desperately trying to get the kitchen clean but it all seems so futile. I cook, I clean, I clean, I cook. It's a never ending circle of despair.
Don't even get going on the diet. That will put me over the edge and in to full blown tear phase.
The school project has been grinding me down. That's almost over, thank god. My adviser was so right to suggest I do this one class on its own after coming back from having a baby. It's killing me. Two more weeks. That's it. Two more weeks.
Maia was sick sick sick last week. Poor baby. Fever for four days, crankiness, then even worse a lethargy that left her folded over with her head on the floor, eyes open and staring, instead of playing with the toys in front of her. That's when I called the doctor for a second time and brought her in. The verdict? UTI. That's urinary tract infection for those lucky enough to never have had those words uttered at them. Of course there are complications to a bladder infection at this age. Physical immaturity of the urinary tract can lead to a "back flow" from the bladder to the kidneys and in case of infection, this can lead to kidney damage. Oy. So more tests for Maia. And a regular dose of antibiotics to maintain an infection-free urinary tract once the current infection has been thoroughly killed.
All this for a baby whose parents decry the over use of antibiotics and swore to take a "watch and see" approach with illness. See how things change in the thick of it. Of course, I understand that *possible* sensitivity to certain antibiotics in the future is a very small price to pay to avoid kidney damage. I'm simply pointing out the irony here.
I blame the formula for this infection. Another item on the long list of shot down "nevers".
I hope to feel pithy at some point again in the near future.
For the present, I don't expect much.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Murphy's Law
There is a cloth diaper clause to Murphy's Law that states:
When the diaper pail has been emptied out and rinsed clean the very next diaper will be a poopy one. Just so the poo (residue, we flush the majority) sits for the longest time it can.
It's one thing that I hadn't considered in my diaper spreadsheet.
When the diaper pail has been emptied out and rinsed clean the very next diaper will be a poopy one. Just so the poo (residue, we flush the majority) sits for the longest time it can.
It's one thing that I hadn't considered in my diaper spreadsheet.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Bad Ideas and Monster Days
That last 3x non-fat latte was a bad idea. Seemed good at the time, but now I'm tired and still buzzing slightly from caffeine. I already don't sleep well alone. Coffee isn't going to help that cause.
Speaking of not sleeping...little M was quite the monster today. She didn't nap. Not one bit. Well, maybe a bitty bit. But not nearly enough. That's why I needed the coffee. To keep up wit her.
Maia has discovered the ability to pull herself up to standing in her crib. She has also discovered that her mattress bounces when one stand up on it. She has decided that sleep is for the weak and she would much rather be a crazy standing baby than a cheerful rested one. The rested one has to LAY DOWN for a while. The crazy baby gets to STAND UP and BOUNCE. Tough decision.
And it won't help one bit to drop her mattress the rest of the way down. She holds on to the side rail slats. She doesn't need the top bar at all. One friend has suggested plexi-glass and after a few more days like this I might just consider it.
It wasn't as though I didn't try to get her to nap. She just knows when she hits the bed. At morning nap time we read a story and had a bottle and she was blissfully drowsy when I put her down to sleep. As soon as her body hit the mattress, she began to roll about and sit up. I lay her down and turned on the mobile. Roll and sit. I lay her down again and left the room. 15 minutes later I go in again to lay her down. She sits up in bed, gets into a corner, leans into it and cries. After an hour of struggling with her, I give up and we got to the park. We play. We have lunch. It's nap time. She's full and I figure she's got to be tired by now.
She falls asleep in the car. I transfer her to her bed, still sleeping. Head on mattress...awake. Roll, sit, pull up and bounce. I make another bottle. We rock. She dozes off. I put her down. I leave the room and all is quiet. 5 minutes later I hear the distinctive squeek squeal of Miss bouncing. I head into the room and sure enough, there she is laughing away. I give up quickly this time.
Fortunatly, a friend calls and we decided to do coffee. We're both dragging. I think, "Perfect, Maia can sleep in the stroller". I changer her up, bundle her into the stroller and away we go. She refuses to sleep. Coffee is nice. We walk around downtown. We visit the bookstore. Maia pulls up on anything and everything she can. Still no sign of sleep. We walk home. Not an eye shut.
I need to attend a neighborhood meeting. I am so very worried about the impending Maia meltdown, I begin to sweat. We go off, bottle in hand, toys in place and a blanket for the grass. Maia does very well up to the very end when she just can't take it anymore. I bounce her to sleep on my shoulder. I pick up her toys. I gather the information from the meeting. Maia stays asleep through all this and the walk home. She stays asleep as I greet my brother. She stays asleep as I take off her hat, unsnap her jacket, and pull it off of her. She stays asleep until her head hits the mattress. Sigh.
Back to square one. PJ's on. Another bottle. Lots of rocking and snuggling. She's out. Until the crib. I leave her, exausted and trying to pull up on her bed. This is one determined baby. She finally passes out from sheer exhaustion after about 3 minutes of *light* fussing.
That was around 9 PM. I hope she stays down until 11 AM. Even if it means missing my group meeting. (darn)
Have I mentioned my lack of showering? No daddy break and no nap for Maia equals one stinky mama. Another bad idea from our monster day.
Speaking of not sleeping...little M was quite the monster today. She didn't nap. Not one bit. Well, maybe a bitty bit. But not nearly enough. That's why I needed the coffee. To keep up wit her.
Maia has discovered the ability to pull herself up to standing in her crib. She has also discovered that her mattress bounces when one stand up on it. She has decided that sleep is for the weak and she would much rather be a crazy standing baby than a cheerful rested one. The rested one has to LAY DOWN for a while. The crazy baby gets to STAND UP and BOUNCE. Tough decision.
And it won't help one bit to drop her mattress the rest of the way down. She holds on to the side rail slats. She doesn't need the top bar at all. One friend has suggested plexi-glass and after a few more days like this I might just consider it.
It wasn't as though I didn't try to get her to nap. She just knows when she hits the bed. At morning nap time we read a story and had a bottle and she was blissfully drowsy when I put her down to sleep. As soon as her body hit the mattress, she began to roll about and sit up. I lay her down and turned on the mobile. Roll and sit. I lay her down again and left the room. 15 minutes later I go in again to lay her down. She sits up in bed, gets into a corner, leans into it and cries. After an hour of struggling with her, I give up and we got to the park. We play. We have lunch. It's nap time. She's full and I figure she's got to be tired by now.
She falls asleep in the car. I transfer her to her bed, still sleeping. Head on mattress...awake. Roll, sit, pull up and bounce. I make another bottle. We rock. She dozes off. I put her down. I leave the room and all is quiet. 5 minutes later I hear the distinctive squeek squeal of Miss bouncing. I head into the room and sure enough, there she is laughing away. I give up quickly this time.
Fortunatly, a friend calls and we decided to do coffee. We're both dragging. I think, "Perfect, Maia can sleep in the stroller". I changer her up, bundle her into the stroller and away we go. She refuses to sleep. Coffee is nice. We walk around downtown. We visit the bookstore. Maia pulls up on anything and everything she can. Still no sign of sleep. We walk home. Not an eye shut.
I need to attend a neighborhood meeting. I am so very worried about the impending Maia meltdown, I begin to sweat. We go off, bottle in hand, toys in place and a blanket for the grass. Maia does very well up to the very end when she just can't take it anymore. I bounce her to sleep on my shoulder. I pick up her toys. I gather the information from the meeting. Maia stays asleep through all this and the walk home. She stays asleep as I greet my brother. She stays asleep as I take off her hat, unsnap her jacket, and pull it off of her. She stays asleep until her head hits the mattress. Sigh.
Back to square one. PJ's on. Another bottle. Lots of rocking and snuggling. She's out. Until the crib. I leave her, exausted and trying to pull up on her bed. This is one determined baby. She finally passes out from sheer exhaustion after about 3 minutes of *light* fussing.
That was around 9 PM. I hope she stays down until 11 AM. Even if it means missing my group meeting. (darn)
Have I mentioned my lack of showering? No daddy break and no nap for Maia equals one stinky mama. Another bad idea from our monster day.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Best Line of the Day
From the "TSA: Traveling With Children" section of their website:
NEVER leave babies in an infant carrier while it goes through the X-ray machine.
Gee, thanks for the reminder. And what are the security screening guards there for, if not to remind you to not irradiate your children?
NEVER leave babies in an infant carrier while it goes through the X-ray machine.
Gee, thanks for the reminder. And what are the security screening guards there for, if not to remind you to not irradiate your children?
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Tolstoy Revisited
Monday I gave Maia a bath. We do that on occasion. She loves the big tub and loves to splash. It's also a nice way to kill some time before bed when I'd rather play with her than cook dinner or pick up toys.
We like bubbles. Who doesn't? I usually squeeze in a good portion of Honeysuckle baby wash and let the bubbles pile up. This evening, the bubbles were especially high and piled at the tap end of the tub. I put Maia in the middle and she immedately headed for the tower of bubbles. She went in for a combined bubble smack tub splash and ended up with bubbles all over her face.
The results were rather amusing. She looked just like this:
I really expected her to start dictating "War and Peace" revisions at me. Her eyes were all big and serious, her hair sparse and wild. Dense, dripping, white bubbles forming her beard.
Come to think of it, my Mom has always claimed some Russian blood on her father's side of the family...
We like bubbles. Who doesn't? I usually squeeze in a good portion of Honeysuckle baby wash and let the bubbles pile up. This evening, the bubbles were especially high and piled at the tap end of the tub. I put Maia in the middle and she immedately headed for the tower of bubbles. She went in for a combined bubble smack tub splash and ended up with bubbles all over her face.
The results were rather amusing. She looked just like this:
I really expected her to start dictating "War and Peace" revisions at me. Her eyes were all big and serious, her hair sparse and wild. Dense, dripping, white bubbles forming her beard.
Come to think of it, my Mom has always claimed some Russian blood on her father's side of the family...
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Downward-Facing Baby
I took a yoga class (for credit) last Spring while pregnant. My teacher was a very old guard hippie yoga guy who discovered yoga while attending SF state during the 60's. The highlight of one of his speeches was how yoga allowed him to make it through a three-month prison sentence.
He had his own yoga instruction book. It included several picture of his (then) very young daughter in various "natural" yoga poses. He said that babies and small children instinctivly preformed yoga because of the ways it helps strengthen the body.
OK. I get it. It was kind of out there for me, but the pictures were cute and he was a very good instructor.
Today Maia perfected Downward Facing Dog.
Just like the picture. She had her feet planted, head down, arms out-stretched, butt up and out. Perfect. She can't crawl, but darn if she can't do yoga.
He had his own yoga instruction book. It included several picture of his (then) very young daughter in various "natural" yoga poses. He said that babies and small children instinctivly preformed yoga because of the ways it helps strengthen the body.
OK. I get it. It was kind of out there for me, but the pictures were cute and he was a very good instructor.
Today Maia perfected Downward Facing Dog.
Just like the picture. She had her feet planted, head down, arms out-stretched, butt up and out. Perfect. She can't crawl, but darn if she can't do yoga.
Monday, April 2, 2007
What is it About Costco?
Really. Another Costco parking lot story:
We went a bit nuts at Costco Sunday and made a large, impulsive purchase. We bought a bike trailer for Miss M. We've been debating the merits of bike seats vs. trailers for a while now and had decided to go with a front-attaching bike seat when we came across the trailer again.
So we went trailer. It fits two kids (planning for the future), will allow Miss M to sleep if needs be on a longer ride which also gives us more flexiblity in our travels--and more time which is good if you're a slow biker mommy like myself. If John hauls it, it might actually slow him down to my pace while keeping his heart rate up. Good things all around. The trailer also has storage room in the back, great for trips to the farmers market, or grocery store. Best of all, we bought the style that converts to a stroller so we have a way to roll her about once we get to our destination.
It just seemed like what we really needed. Plus, it's Costco with their very liberal return policy if it doesn't work.
Back at the car, we realized just how big the dang thing is in the box. The BOB stroller was already in residence in the trunk of the Jetta. Plus we had our normal load of groceries and a looming trip to TJ's for more. Oh. And a suitcase. John is headed for Germany and needed one...that's another story.
So my super engineer husband is working hard to fit everything in the car. The trailer mostly fits in the trunk and the groceries fit around it. The BOB has the wheels popped off it and fits in the back seat. John is busy securing the trunk lid with a length of rope when the owner of the car next to us shows up with her two enormus carts of Costco goodies.
The car next to us is an extended Suburban. A monster of an SUV. That had been parked too close to us on the drivers side. That John had been bumping (with his body) in hopes of setting off an alarm system previous to the owner coming back. So the women in the Suburban unload groceries while John is tying down the lid of our nice little sedan. As the driver is getting ready to climb into her monster car she turns to me, looks at Maia and says: "One more and you'll be driving the Suburban too. That's just the way it is."
Ummm. OK. No.
I'm not sure I really understood what she meant. Yeah, our car was full, but it's not a normal occurance. If she didn't want the monster car, there are options out there that provide room, safety and fuel economy. And just because I live in the Valley and have a child doesn't mean I MUST want or need an SUV.
Please.
I'm waiting on my station wagon, thank you very much. Diesel. 40+ miles to the gallon. And I'll be able to out race that Suburban any day of the week.
We went a bit nuts at Costco Sunday and made a large, impulsive purchase. We bought a bike trailer for Miss M. We've been debating the merits of bike seats vs. trailers for a while now and had decided to go with a front-attaching bike seat when we came across the trailer again.
So we went trailer. It fits two kids (planning for the future), will allow Miss M to sleep if needs be on a longer ride which also gives us more flexiblity in our travels--and more time which is good if you're a slow biker mommy like myself. If John hauls it, it might actually slow him down to my pace while keeping his heart rate up. Good things all around. The trailer also has storage room in the back, great for trips to the farmers market, or grocery store. Best of all, we bought the style that converts to a stroller so we have a way to roll her about once we get to our destination.
It just seemed like what we really needed. Plus, it's Costco with their very liberal return policy if it doesn't work.
Back at the car, we realized just how big the dang thing is in the box. The BOB stroller was already in residence in the trunk of the Jetta. Plus we had our normal load of groceries and a looming trip to TJ's for more. Oh. And a suitcase. John is headed for Germany and needed one...that's another story.
So my super engineer husband is working hard to fit everything in the car. The trailer mostly fits in the trunk and the groceries fit around it. The BOB has the wheels popped off it and fits in the back seat. John is busy securing the trunk lid with a length of rope when the owner of the car next to us shows up with her two enormus carts of Costco goodies.
The car next to us is an extended Suburban. A monster of an SUV. That had been parked too close to us on the drivers side. That John had been bumping (with his body) in hopes of setting off an alarm system previous to the owner coming back. So the women in the Suburban unload groceries while John is tying down the lid of our nice little sedan. As the driver is getting ready to climb into her monster car she turns to me, looks at Maia and says: "One more and you'll be driving the Suburban too. That's just the way it is."
Ummm. OK. No.
I'm not sure I really understood what she meant. Yeah, our car was full, but it's not a normal occurance. If she didn't want the monster car, there are options out there that provide room, safety and fuel economy. And just because I live in the Valley and have a child doesn't mean I MUST want or need an SUV.
Please.
I'm waiting on my station wagon, thank you very much. Diesel. 40+ miles to the gallon. And I'll be able to out race that Suburban any day of the week.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Musing on Marriage
I've been thinking about marriage and the changes children bring to it. I've been thinking about the choices I've made and where they have lead me. I've been thinking about my baby and how she has changed me and my relationship with John and how we've become stronger--because if we didn't I could see how we could have been splintered apart. If you're not secure in your partnership before the baby arrives, he/she will only serve to drive the wedge deeper.
I'm sure that in some cases a baby makes a couple step up to the plate, so to speak, (I have a shining example of that in a friend of mine) but a baby is not a tool to test the resolve of your relationship with.
One of the greatest pieces of advise my mom gave me was this: "Marriage doesn't change a relationship, but children do". I am glad that I heeded it and waited until this point in my life to have children.
I met John at 25--well, just shy of my 25th birthday. I was careening out of control. I had the rock and roll lifestyle, sans heroin. I didn't have a clue what I wanted from life, I had subjugated myself into the image I thought others around me wanted. I lived through people, not for people. I was unbelievably selfish as I think most 20-25 year olds are. I was getting set to move out of town, across the state on a whim. Just because I could and I didn't want to be where I was anymore. I didn't want to be myself anymore.
Did I mention that I'd also just left an incredibly failed marriage? One with no children and of that I am grateful because we would have been awful parents at that time in our collective life.
Not an auspicious beginning for John and I. But, as Liz Phair sang in her earthy-ethereal way:
...But something about just being with you
Slapped me right in the face, nearly broke me in two
It's a mark I've taken heart
And I know I will carry it with me for a long, long time...
What came next was four years of dating and soul-searching and coming to terms with who we were as a couple. For me, it was coming to terms with who I was and what I needed on my own in order to be able to give of myself completely. If you don't know yourself, you can not know or love deeply another. It just doesn't work. You become an empty shell in that relationship and eventually break.
I have to give credit to my sometimes long-suffering then boyfriend. He encouraged in me in ways no one had ever before. Do you know it was he who suggested I look into the restaurant business which lead to cooking school? He helped me develop a passion and a career out of something I didn't think I was good enough to do. He helped by encouraging, by cajoling, by challenging me to seek more from myself than I thought was there.
I knew he was the kind of man who would make a great dad.
We didn't wait long after being married to start our family, but at 29 (just shy of my 30th birthday) it was time. It was the right time. I had grown in ways that surprised me during the five years from when I met him to when we started our family. He had grown in ways that surprised him. We had all the trappings of being "adult": a home of our own, no debt save for the home, and good jobs (at least his). More than that, we had a desire to share ourselves in a deeper way. The prospect of "family" frightened us, more than once we re-thought our decision, but we knew we were--if not ready--then willing to make the commitment.
Maia has changed us in so many ways. We drove to San Francisco this weekend and while she slept in the back we took the winding back road to give her the opportunity to sleep more and chatted about how much she has changed us. Ten months into this parent thing and already we don't quite remember what it was like before Maia. She consumes us and at the same time brings a meaning to our lives that was missing. We feel part of something larger than our own small perception of things. We are enriched even as she demands every last moment from us.
She has also brought chaos into our once somewhat ordered lives. This is the struggle. It is so easy to let yourself fall into the "baby trap". She needs so much from me, it would be easy to ignore John and what he needs. It is easy to ignore myself and my needs. To balance being a parent, a mommy especially, and a partner is no small task. This is the splinter, the wedge, the shattering, an infant can cause on an unstable marriage. To forget about your partner and your relationship is to lose what makes you strong enough to be a parent in the first place.
Of course, Maia comes first these days. But we're working on making sure our relationship is a close second. It energizes us to spend time with each other, as grownups, as friends, as lovers still. I don't want to lose the part of me that needs my husband as more than just the "baby maker". He is still my world and that is precious. Maia didn't make him that way to me, either. She simply cemented our foundation and gave us another way to show the other how much we care.
She has changed us. We are blessed by her because we were blessed by having found each other first. She has changed us because now we have to work at what used to come easily. We have to be creative in the ways we grow our relationship. She has amplified all that is, at times, rough in our relationship but has also amplified all that works so very well for us.
I came to this place in a roundabout way. But the destination is one I would not change for the world.
I'm sure that in some cases a baby makes a couple step up to the plate, so to speak, (I have a shining example of that in a friend of mine) but a baby is not a tool to test the resolve of your relationship with.
One of the greatest pieces of advise my mom gave me was this: "Marriage doesn't change a relationship, but children do". I am glad that I heeded it and waited until this point in my life to have children.
I met John at 25--well, just shy of my 25th birthday. I was careening out of control. I had the rock and roll lifestyle, sans heroin. I didn't have a clue what I wanted from life, I had subjugated myself into the image I thought others around me wanted. I lived through people, not for people. I was unbelievably selfish as I think most 20-25 year olds are. I was getting set to move out of town, across the state on a whim. Just because I could and I didn't want to be where I was anymore. I didn't want to be myself anymore.
Did I mention that I'd also just left an incredibly failed marriage? One with no children and of that I am grateful because we would have been awful parents at that time in our collective life.
Not an auspicious beginning for John and I. But, as Liz Phair sang in her earthy-ethereal way:
...But something about just being with you
Slapped me right in the face, nearly broke me in two
It's a mark I've taken heart
And I know I will carry it with me for a long, long time...
What came next was four years of dating and soul-searching and coming to terms with who we were as a couple. For me, it was coming to terms with who I was and what I needed on my own in order to be able to give of myself completely. If you don't know yourself, you can not know or love deeply another. It just doesn't work. You become an empty shell in that relationship and eventually break.
I have to give credit to my sometimes long-suffering then boyfriend. He encouraged in me in ways no one had ever before. Do you know it was he who suggested I look into the restaurant business which lead to cooking school? He helped me develop a passion and a career out of something I didn't think I was good enough to do. He helped by encouraging, by cajoling, by challenging me to seek more from myself than I thought was there.
I knew he was the kind of man who would make a great dad.
We didn't wait long after being married to start our family, but at 29 (just shy of my 30th birthday) it was time. It was the right time. I had grown in ways that surprised me during the five years from when I met him to when we started our family. He had grown in ways that surprised him. We had all the trappings of being "adult": a home of our own, no debt save for the home, and good jobs (at least his). More than that, we had a desire to share ourselves in a deeper way. The prospect of "family" frightened us, more than once we re-thought our decision, but we knew we were--if not ready--then willing to make the commitment.
Maia has changed us in so many ways. We drove to San Francisco this weekend and while she slept in the back we took the winding back road to give her the opportunity to sleep more and chatted about how much she has changed us. Ten months into this parent thing and already we don't quite remember what it was like before Maia. She consumes us and at the same time brings a meaning to our lives that was missing. We feel part of something larger than our own small perception of things. We are enriched even as she demands every last moment from us.
She has also brought chaos into our once somewhat ordered lives. This is the struggle. It is so easy to let yourself fall into the "baby trap". She needs so much from me, it would be easy to ignore John and what he needs. It is easy to ignore myself and my needs. To balance being a parent, a mommy especially, and a partner is no small task. This is the splinter, the wedge, the shattering, an infant can cause on an unstable marriage. To forget about your partner and your relationship is to lose what makes you strong enough to be a parent in the first place.
Of course, Maia comes first these days. But we're working on making sure our relationship is a close second. It energizes us to spend time with each other, as grownups, as friends, as lovers still. I don't want to lose the part of me that needs my husband as more than just the "baby maker". He is still my world and that is precious. Maia didn't make him that way to me, either. She simply cemented our foundation and gave us another way to show the other how much we care.
She has changed us. We are blessed by her because we were blessed by having found each other first. She has changed us because now we have to work at what used to come easily. We have to be creative in the ways we grow our relationship. She has amplified all that is, at times, rough in our relationship but has also amplified all that works so very well for us.
I came to this place in a roundabout way. But the destination is one I would not change for the world.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Kittens and Babies
I meant to fold Maia's diapers this afternoon. I had the basket all ready and took it into her room. I put her on the floor and turned around to open the window and let some of the wonderful fresh spring breeze in. In that moment Harvey kitty came bounding in and jumped into the warm laundry. Maia squealed and began to take diapers and wipes out of the basket. Harvey then got in on the act and tossed out a couple of wipes using teeth and paws to his best advantage. Maia laughed at that an began putting back the items Harvey dropped out.
They then switched to Maia poking her little fingers into the basket (through the holes in the fake "weave") and Harvey swatting at them, then Harvey sticking his paw out of the basket (again, through the holes) and Maia touching it. Back and forth, with much enjoyment on both sides of the basket.
Who am I to stop the fun of small creatures? So the diapers remain unfolded.
They then switched to Maia poking her little fingers into the basket (through the holes in the fake "weave") and Harvey swatting at them, then Harvey sticking his paw out of the basket (again, through the holes) and Maia touching it. Back and forth, with much enjoyment on both sides of the basket.
Who am I to stop the fun of small creatures? So the diapers remain unfolded.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Of All the Things I Should Be Doing...
blogging is not one of them.
I will let you know that the jinxing time has been lifted and the exciting news in our household: Maia is going to spend her first birthday in Zurich, Switzerland.
Before that we'll get to tour Paris and then spend a week in Geneva.
Good fortune is blessing us with a trip that piggy-backs on a work conference. Which means that one airfare is paid for and the really nice hotel in Geneva is covered as well.
I'm all smiles. Now to find places to sleep in Pairs and Zurich!
Oh and house cleaning because we're hosting TWO dinners this weekend.
I will let you know that the jinxing time has been lifted and the exciting news in our household: Maia is going to spend her first birthday in Zurich, Switzerland.
Before that we'll get to tour Paris and then spend a week in Geneva.
Good fortune is blessing us with a trip that piggy-backs on a work conference. Which means that one airfare is paid for and the really nice hotel in Geneva is covered as well.
I'm all smiles. Now to find places to sleep in Pairs and Zurich!
Oh and house cleaning because we're hosting TWO dinners this weekend.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Something Good is Gonna Happen
Plans are afoot! Action is being taken! Credit card numbers are being given at this very moment! But I don't want to jinx anything, so I'll get with the details when all the ducks are lined up.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Bad Parenting Skills
I just put on a video for Maia (at least it's a "Baby Signs" video so I can pretend she's learning from watching) so I could get some work done. She's entranced. I'm posting. Now to actual work...
Update:
15 minutes into the video and she'd lost interest...but I was able to get one school project (almost) done. She's happy banging on the coffee table with her drum stick from the floor.
Update:
15 minutes into the video and she'd lost interest...but I was able to get one school project (almost) done. She's happy banging on the coffee table with her drum stick from the floor.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Fate
I'm not sure what's been in the air this week, but nothing has been good. The week started poorly and never fully recovered. Despite what could have been several very nice days, I've been in a funk. John has been in a funk. Maia, well, she's Maia and while not in a funk, when we are it's not so much fun to attend to her needs.
Today could have been more of the same...but it wasn't.
Started off with:
Daylight savings time switch early. Needless loss of a perfectly good hour of sleep.
Rushing to get John to the airport for his 9:30 AM flight to Florida.
Said rushing caused me to back into the house while backing the car out of the driveway. With John watching me.
Watching my darling husband leave for the week, knowing I could have made a better send off for him, broke my heart.
Mis-judging the time I needed to be at a Mommy get-together to make baby food. Arriving on time and with oodles of food to puree only to find a note on the door saying--"Time change messed up schedule. Party canceled" and nothing else.
Grumbling that I had no one to play with on this gorgeous day.
When I arrived home from the failed baby food party--great idea and I hope to host one more details if I do--I found that Auntie Ari-belle's date had canceled on her and she was now free for the day. I looked at her and asked, "Beach?" Her answer, "Yes!" So off we, slowly, went. Things needed to be arranged with her hockey tickets. Brother came through with a friend and tickets were settled. Maia was fed, changed and packed. The car was loaded. Water bottles were filled and off we went to Capitola.
It was warm. And clear. And so beautiful by the water. Everyone was out and about. I despaired over finding a decent parking space as we had left the stroller at home...after all...we were adventuring light! Coming around the corner by the prime beach side parking I got stuck behind a giant Suburban (wait...that's redundant isn't it?) waiting for a family to pack up the mini-van full of small children and take their parking space. Great. Everything else was full so I decided to go around and head up the street, when what to my wondering eyes did appear but the Best Parking Space Ever. Right in front of the beach entrance. One side was nothing but curb so I could pull in close and leave plenty of room for getting Maia in and out of the car. Shiny, as Ari-belle would say.
We were out the door and feeding the meter while the Suburban was still waiting on the mini-van. I almost felt sorry for getting such a KILLER SPACE ahead of "my turn". Oh well. There are advantages to having a smaller car in the parking lot wars.
Walking across the sand was a joy. The breeze came up gently, softly, off the ocean. The sand was dry, but still cool from the recent rains. The beach was busy but there was plenty of good real estate left for us. Ari-belle, commenting on the temperature of the sand, said "Could this be any more perfect?" I thought not.
The grown-ups didn't have a blanket. Oh well. We found a nice spot by some rocks and driftwood to set up camp. I spread out a blanket for Maia pulled out my small collection of sand toys and proceeded to relax and enjoy Maia's play. She loved it. She loved pulling the sand out of the buckets. She loved digging her hands in the damp sand. She loved finding the toys I would bury for her. At one point she began to bury her Auntie's leg. She was smiling and squealing as she piled sand on to her pant leg.
We decided to take her down to the water's edge to see how she like the cold kiss of Northern California Pacific Ocean. She did fine. I danced her over the water as waves broke at my feet. She really loved being held in water that came up over her feet so she could bounce and splash. She got so excited by the splashing. We ran her into the small broken waves and ran her back to the shore again. Maia burried her little feet in the wet sand and giggled. She looked out to sea and smiled.
Back at the base camp, Maia decided she needed to eat so I fed her and then we played for a while longer. The day was getting long and the breeze was picking up so we decided to go before Maia got bored and fussy. We still had 1/2 hour on the meter, but it seemed a small price to pay for such a lovely afternoon.
In the car, Ari-belle and I decided we needed a little snack before going home, so we headed into Santa Cruz for dinner. Something pulled us toward a certain parking spot, a little off the beaten path. I was going to feed the meter when I noticed it still had time on it. 1/2 and hour. Call it what you will, I call it fate. Nothing wasted.
A lovely afternoon turned into a lovely evening filled with fun conversation with my sister and playing with the worlds best baby. I'm thinking this week is looking up from the last....except for missing my husband. But, I have his homecoming to look forward to...
(love you sweets. see you friday.)
Today could have been more of the same...but it wasn't.
Started off with:
Daylight savings time switch early. Needless loss of a perfectly good hour of sleep.
Rushing to get John to the airport for his 9:30 AM flight to Florida.
Said rushing caused me to back into the house while backing the car out of the driveway. With John watching me.
Watching my darling husband leave for the week, knowing I could have made a better send off for him, broke my heart.
Mis-judging the time I needed to be at a Mommy get-together to make baby food. Arriving on time and with oodles of food to puree only to find a note on the door saying--"Time change messed up schedule. Party canceled" and nothing else.
Grumbling that I had no one to play with on this gorgeous day.
When I arrived home from the failed baby food party--great idea and I hope to host one more details if I do--I found that Auntie Ari-belle's date had canceled on her and she was now free for the day. I looked at her and asked, "Beach?" Her answer, "Yes!" So off we, slowly, went. Things needed to be arranged with her hockey tickets. Brother came through with a friend and tickets were settled. Maia was fed, changed and packed. The car was loaded. Water bottles were filled and off we went to Capitola.
It was warm. And clear. And so beautiful by the water. Everyone was out and about. I despaired over finding a decent parking space as we had left the stroller at home...after all...we were adventuring light! Coming around the corner by the prime beach side parking I got stuck behind a giant Suburban (wait...that's redundant isn't it?) waiting for a family to pack up the mini-van full of small children and take their parking space. Great. Everything else was full so I decided to go around and head up the street, when what to my wondering eyes did appear but the Best Parking Space Ever. Right in front of the beach entrance. One side was nothing but curb so I could pull in close and leave plenty of room for getting Maia in and out of the car. Shiny, as Ari-belle would say.
We were out the door and feeding the meter while the Suburban was still waiting on the mini-van. I almost felt sorry for getting such a KILLER SPACE ahead of "my turn". Oh well. There are advantages to having a smaller car in the parking lot wars.
Walking across the sand was a joy. The breeze came up gently, softly, off the ocean. The sand was dry, but still cool from the recent rains. The beach was busy but there was plenty of good real estate left for us. Ari-belle, commenting on the temperature of the sand, said "Could this be any more perfect?" I thought not.
The grown-ups didn't have a blanket. Oh well. We found a nice spot by some rocks and driftwood to set up camp. I spread out a blanket for Maia pulled out my small collection of sand toys and proceeded to relax and enjoy Maia's play. She loved it. She loved pulling the sand out of the buckets. She loved digging her hands in the damp sand. She loved finding the toys I would bury for her. At one point she began to bury her Auntie's leg. She was smiling and squealing as she piled sand on to her pant leg.
We decided to take her down to the water's edge to see how she like the cold kiss of Northern California Pacific Ocean. She did fine. I danced her over the water as waves broke at my feet. She really loved being held in water that came up over her feet so she could bounce and splash. She got so excited by the splashing. We ran her into the small broken waves and ran her back to the shore again. Maia burried her little feet in the wet sand and giggled. She looked out to sea and smiled.
Back at the base camp, Maia decided she needed to eat so I fed her and then we played for a while longer. The day was getting long and the breeze was picking up so we decided to go before Maia got bored and fussy. We still had 1/2 hour on the meter, but it seemed a small price to pay for such a lovely afternoon.
In the car, Ari-belle and I decided we needed a little snack before going home, so we headed into Santa Cruz for dinner. Something pulled us toward a certain parking spot, a little off the beaten path. I was going to feed the meter when I noticed it still had time on it. 1/2 and hour. Call it what you will, I call it fate. Nothing wasted.
A lovely afternoon turned into a lovely evening filled with fun conversation with my sister and playing with the worlds best baby. I'm thinking this week is looking up from the last....except for missing my husband. But, I have his homecoming to look forward to...
(love you sweets. see you friday.)
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Monday, March 5, 2007
Ah Crap
Long day and I'm tired. Started out with too little sleep and too little water and too much fun over the weekend.
Running late for Maia's appointment, well, we needed to run one errand before the doctor and were late for that. No, it didn't involve coffee. Too bad about that.
Her appointment went fine. She's a healthy little girl. 18#2oz and 27 1/2" tall. 45th percentile in weight and 50th in height. Perfect. Dr. Rose did seem somewhat concerned about her lack of interest in food. She'd like us to 'practice' eating every day. So I need to set Miss M up in her chair and put food in front of her. Let her play. Dr. Rose said crackers were fine, bits of cheese, soft fruits and such were also good. Hopefully Maia will gain interest as we do this. We'll see.
The good doctor did mention that a sensitive gag reflex could be the cause her aversion to solid foods. She might just need to grow a bit more to become comfortable with things in her mouth.
On to the next stop--a meeting with my professor for my group project in Technical Writing. The pre-meeting with my group was great but I really felt that the actual meeting kind of spiraled down hill. Sigh. Maia can only be so patient. She was in a talking mood and chirping in her little high-pitched voice. I felt awful. Here we are trying to be professional and I can't even take notes. We were meeting in a lounge for English students located in the faculty office building. Her voice was going out into the hall and in the past there have been noise complaints about the lounge. I shut the door...but that's not allowed either. I felt very uncomfortable and wished I had had some place to leave her for this one meeting. Plus, campus politics are in full swing around my instructor and I think a small faux pas was made by meeting in the English lounge with him to begin with.
Sigh.
In the future, we're going to book private rooms in the library--which is part of the public library system and therefore open to non-students like Maia--to avoid some of these ackward moments.
Note: I have one cup of coffee and by the time we wrapped everything up it was almost two o'clock.
Walk back to the car. Where is the car? Crap. Parked in a one hour spot and I have been towed. That's what I get for not looking at the signs carefully enough. They're serious downtown. In the few minutes I used to call the very unhelpful towing company I saw another car get towed. I think they just run out there all day to make their money. Sigh.
So. What to do. Got no car. Got a tired baby. Got no car seat to put her in even if I had another car. Crap. Called brother and thankfully caught him before he left to get lunch. Met him at John's work--where the old car seat was hanging out in John's car. Strapped Maia into the Camero--plus the BOB stroller--not bad for a non-family car and took off for the tow yard.
The tow yard was as stereotypical as it could get: German shepherd, big guy in a grubby t-shirt yelling form the back office, tattooed drivers grinning at me as I tried to get the car back. When asked how I would pay for this, I asked "What credit cards do you take?" Answer: None I had on me. Checks? Nope. Cash? Yes. The bank is three blocks away and I'd better get back by 5 PM before the release fee went up by another $80.
Half an hour and $175 later I had my car again. The yard didn't even have real change for me...the last dollar was given to me in two quarters and five dimes. Even though there is a sign that says "We do not accept loose change as payment" Who has at least $175 in loose change? Had this been a real problem before? Did many people try to pay with loose change? Whatever.
Expensive lesson learned. No more parking downtown for me. Now I feel like crap and just want the week to start over. And it's Monday. And I have a variation on this theme to do tomorrow. Oh well. Tomorrow morning, I think it will be light rail and a Starbuck's black tea latte kind of day.
Running late for Maia's appointment, well, we needed to run one errand before the doctor and were late for that. No, it didn't involve coffee. Too bad about that.
Her appointment went fine. She's a healthy little girl. 18#2oz and 27 1/2" tall. 45th percentile in weight and 50th in height. Perfect. Dr. Rose did seem somewhat concerned about her lack of interest in food. She'd like us to 'practice' eating every day. So I need to set Miss M up in her chair and put food in front of her. Let her play. Dr. Rose said crackers were fine, bits of cheese, soft fruits and such were also good. Hopefully Maia will gain interest as we do this. We'll see.
The good doctor did mention that a sensitive gag reflex could be the cause her aversion to solid foods. She might just need to grow a bit more to become comfortable with things in her mouth.
On to the next stop--a meeting with my professor for my group project in Technical Writing. The pre-meeting with my group was great but I really felt that the actual meeting kind of spiraled down hill. Sigh. Maia can only be so patient. She was in a talking mood and chirping in her little high-pitched voice. I felt awful. Here we are trying to be professional and I can't even take notes. We were meeting in a lounge for English students located in the faculty office building. Her voice was going out into the hall and in the past there have been noise complaints about the lounge. I shut the door...but that's not allowed either. I felt very uncomfortable and wished I had had some place to leave her for this one meeting. Plus, campus politics are in full swing around my instructor and I think a small faux pas was made by meeting in the English lounge with him to begin with.
Sigh.
In the future, we're going to book private rooms in the library--which is part of the public library system and therefore open to non-students like Maia--to avoid some of these ackward moments.
Note: I have one cup of coffee and by the time we wrapped everything up it was almost two o'clock.
Walk back to the car. Where is the car? Crap. Parked in a one hour spot and I have been towed. That's what I get for not looking at the signs carefully enough. They're serious downtown. In the few minutes I used to call the very unhelpful towing company I saw another car get towed. I think they just run out there all day to make their money. Sigh.
So. What to do. Got no car. Got a tired baby. Got no car seat to put her in even if I had another car. Crap. Called brother and thankfully caught him before he left to get lunch. Met him at John's work--where the old car seat was hanging out in John's car. Strapped Maia into the Camero--plus the BOB stroller--not bad for a non-family car and took off for the tow yard.
The tow yard was as stereotypical as it could get: German shepherd, big guy in a grubby t-shirt yelling form the back office, tattooed drivers grinning at me as I tried to get the car back. When asked how I would pay for this, I asked "What credit cards do you take?" Answer: None I had on me. Checks? Nope. Cash? Yes. The bank is three blocks away and I'd better get back by 5 PM before the release fee went up by another $80.
Half an hour and $175 later I had my car again. The yard didn't even have real change for me...the last dollar was given to me in two quarters and five dimes. Even though there is a sign that says "We do not accept loose change as payment" Who has at least $175 in loose change? Had this been a real problem before? Did many people try to pay with loose change? Whatever.
Expensive lesson learned. No more parking downtown for me. Now I feel like crap and just want the week to start over. And it's Monday. And I have a variation on this theme to do tomorrow. Oh well. Tomorrow morning, I think it will be light rail and a Starbuck's black tea latte kind of day.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
My Lips are Numb
So here I am after a wonderful day of friends and food food food....thinking that I've had my limit of drink but craving another beer. And instead of taking advantage of my husband or going wild on the dance floor I'm blogging.
To the fridge I go! Newcastle or Jumping Cow here I come!
To the fridge I go! Newcastle or Jumping Cow here I come!
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